I was in grade school, then. Going home from a club election in school, I was excited to tell my parents that I was elected Club Secretary. I was young, only eight years old. This was a thing to be proud of for an eight-year-old. But my parents think otherwise. Upon hearing the news, they were happy for me but they also asked, “Why not President?” That question was stuck in my head as I was growing up. And from then on, I have always only vied for top positions, being Class President year on year since I was nine, and then eventually becoming Student Council President. It did not stop there. My need to achieve trickled into my academic life. I continuously strived to be a top student, a top scorer, to graduate on the honor roll, to chase after Latin honors. The more I achieve, the more I feel important and liked. It was intoxicating and, as such, became a never-ending cycle. I thrive on continuously completing tasks, of endlessly searching for a new mountain to climb. I find relief in the accomplishment of projects and then, finding new tasks to fulfill again. Being in brand management, I've brought into my career the same energy of continuous search for the next big thing to conquer. Quarantine slapped me with this reality – that I go on for days, weeks and months doing this. And then I asked myself if this was really what I find significant in life – the be all and end all of who I am: constantly chasing and climbing. It felt… tiring and almost bordering empty. I feel trapped on some levels. Is this how it’s going to be continuously? I knew I needed to make a change. I knew I needed to get myself out of that vicious cycle. So this is my first step – being self-aware and vulnerable. I am writing down my emotions about it for the very first time to help my mind deconstruct my behavior and motivations. The reason why I have constantly been intoxicated with achievements is because of the result it brings – being liked by friends and family because their opinion and their feelings matter to me. It was because I was living for the opinion of other people. It was because I was living for the opinion of other people. But does it really matter? And I remembered yet again the question “Why not President?” that has spurred me forward since I was eight. It wasn’t a self-acknowledgement. It was an external comment, an opinion that isn’t mine.
So now I’ve discovered the roots of my motivation. I didn’t like it. I want to do things for me because it is what I deem to be important. And now, I have promised myself to end the vicious cycle by acknowledging what is important for me, to start only projects and tasks on things that I personally believe in. To choose intentionally and not just go blindly into tasks just so I can accomplish and tick off something new. Opinions of others may still matter especially that of my friends and family but what really matters for me should take precedence. So this begins my journey of getting to know myself more, of figuring out how to choose my battles and mountains to climb intentionally. I am only starting but I hope I get to put the pieces together soon.
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March 2021
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